Flowers in the Attic Pt. 3 "Your Mother eats Raisin Bran in Hell"

Welcome back and here we begin chapter three and if anyone's been wondering why I hate the twins, you'll find out now...

Our chapter begins with our main characters waking up in the cramped and dark room in their Grandparents' giant mansion. A room on the barely used second floor that is - supposedly - the only room in a giant mansion that has it's own bathroom

 - Sorry, I'm still hung up on that. It's just too stupid for me to suspend my disbelief

Most of the first few pages is Cathy waking up and looking around the room, which as I've already said is dark, cramped with excess furniture and the blinds and shutters are closed.

Oh yeah - and there's gruesome paintings of Hell and damnation all over the walls.

Welcome home, kids

Chris the Art Nerd guesses that the paintings are Goya's work and Cathy kind of ignores him because he's a know-it-all. The twins wake up and immediately want to know how they got there, where they are, and start complaining that they don't like it. (There's going to be a lot of that. Gird your loins)

Now maybe I'm not being fair. It's not "the twins" that are annoying. It's only one of them.
Cathy spends a good deal of time talking about them in this chapter and explains that Carrie is always the one to voice her complaints and talk a lot. A. Lot.

She describes that as constantly chattering like a sweet little bird in the mornings, chirping happily. Two pages later she says she sounds like a moose.

Before Carrie can continue her complaining, the Grandmother comes in with a tray of food that she says will have to last them all day, seeing as she can't keep coming up and down the stairs all day, which I guess is fair, she is an old lady, after all and she doesn't want the servants to notice.

She explains that when they are in the bedroom they must be completely silent, so that no one will know they're there, but after the servants are done cleaning in that wing in the mornings, they may go up to the attic where there is room to run around and make noise.

Before she leaves, she gives them a list of all the things they can't do while they're staying in her home and says that even if they try to hide their wickedness, God will see every sin they commit and punish them for it.

Thanks, Grandma. Love you too.

Once she's out of the room they start to divvy up the food for the day and Chris acts like a complete and utter fuckboy when Cory (other twin) pees in a vase because Cathy and Carrie are in the bathroom.

" 'That should teach you to ignore a man in need. We men are not like you sit-down females. Any little thing will do in an emergency.' "

Go choke on your fedora.

Before they can actually eat, Carrie decides to speak up again, and there's a chance that she is not a fan of the breakfast menu:

" 'We-ee don't like bacon and eggs! Cold CEREAL is what we-ee like! We-ee don't want no hot, lumpy bumpy food that's greasy. Cold CEREAL IS WHAT WE LIKE!' she shrieked. 'Cold CEREAL WITH RAISINS!' "

I'm convinced this is what Raisin Bran ads look like in the deepest level of Inferno

Chris gets the two (actually one) of them to shape up and eat their food and after breakfast they look at The Grandmother's list, which basically sums up as:

- Always be fully dressed
- Never take the Lord's name in vain and say grace before meals
- Never open the drapes and look out the windows
- Never speak unless spoken to
- You're evil and the Devil's issue and there's no possible way for me or your Grandfather to love you so you're going to stay up here until he's dead and no one is to know you exist
- Don't waste food
 - Keep the room clean

" '...you are never to be idle. You will devote five hours each day to studying, and use the remainder of your time to develop your abilities in some meaningful way. If you have skills, abilities or talents, you will seek to improve upon them, and if you have no abilities, or talents, or skills, you will read the Bible; and if you cannot read, then you will sit and stare at the Bible, and try to absorb through the purity of your thoughts the meaning of the Lord and his ways."

The hell did I just read?

- Brush your teeth
- Make the beds

"... if I ever catch boys and girls using the bathroom at the same time, I will quite relentlessly, and without mercy, peel the skin from your backs.'"

So, y'know, usual thing.

They get through the list and Cathy starts freaking out that their mother will never win over the Grandfather and they could be trapped in that room forever.

Oh honey...you have no idea.

Chris assures her that, obviously The Grandmother is out of her mind and there's no way they'd actually have to take all of that seriously. He then makes the list into a paper airplane.

The chapter ends with Cathy still despairing over everything, but hoping that Chris is right and the grandfather might eventually have some affection to give his grandchildren.

Tune in next time where we see just how wrong she is~~~

Flowers In The Attic - Pt. 2 "To Nurse Ratchet's house we go!"

Hello and welcome back to the Freudian nonsense known as V.C. Andrews "Flowers in the Attic."

 We last left our narrator, the twelve year old Cathy Dollanganger (seriously my spell check hates me every time I have to write that) and her three siblings being told that they would have to leave their comfortable Pennsylvania home to go and live with their mother's mysterious and obscenely wealthy parents after the death of their father.
Also apparently the Repo! Men are coming for all of their belongings.

Because 50's.

Chapter two opens up with Cathy and Chris having just finished packing their things and getting on a train with their mother and the demon-spawn twins (I do have a reason for hating these two - all will be revealed in due time) and riding off into the night, heading for who-knows-where.

Cathy and Chris spend a good bit of their train time speculating what their lives will be like when they move in with the wealthy grandparents and get to live like royalty.

"And I supposed I'd have my own maid to lay out my clothes, draw my bath, brush my hair and jump when I commanded. But I wouldn't be too stern with her. I would be sweet, understanding,  the kind of mistress every servant desired - until she broke something I really cherished! Then there'd be hell to pay - I'd throw a temper tantrum and hurl a few things I didn't like anyway." 

It's commentary like this that makes it nearly impossible for me to ever feel any kind of sympathy for this character.

"Looking backward to that night on the train, I realize that was the very night I began to grow up..."

The paragraph I just read before this sentence would suggest otherwise.

So they ride along into the dead of night, when finally the conductor comes and tells them their stop is coming up and asks if someone will be there to meet them - because it's the middle of nowhere at three o' clock in the morning.

Corrine, outstanding mother of the year that she is, assures him - after saying she knows the way, and she could find the house in her sleep, and she lives a few miles away - finally says someone will be coming to pick them up. Lady, if you were gonna flat-out lie, maybe do that first?

The train lets them off at a tiny platform and there's no one there to meet them. Obviously.  They begin walking through the woods with Corrine in the lead with the suitcases and Cathy and Chris carrying the sleeping demon four-year-olds.

Corrine explains that she'll drop the kids off that night with their luggage, then walk back to the depot right after and take a train to the next town over, pick up her suitcases, and come back. Because of course. That makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
Cathy's narration claims that it sounded reasonable - but doesn't stop to question why the four of them are being brought to the house in the middle of the night and her mother wants to arrive by herself the next day.
As if that wasn't enough, when the older kids complain that they need to stop and rest, Corrine simply tells them to wake up the twins and make them walk, adding to herself:

"Lord knows they'd better walk outside while they can." 

Jesus, Lady!

Cathy overhears this, feels uneasy, but ultimately gets over that momentary apprehension in the next sentence or so. Nice to see she's so easy going.

After that we get a good bit of exposition about Cathy's family and how charming her mother is and even though Corrine had "fallen from grace" she would surely charm and beguile her father into loving her again and writing her back into his will. She explains that the same routine was used on their father whenever he didn't want to spend money or was upset about something.

It's at this point I would like to point out, I could probably write an entire college essay on how Corrine's only skill is her sex appeal and she uses it on literally every member of her family to try and get what she wants ... but who has the kind of time for that?

After another page and a half of them walking and the twins waking up and complaining that they don't like walking in the woods when it's dark and howling about one thing or another, they finally reach the house and are ushered inside by a tall, imposing old woman wearing grey.

This is our first introduction to "The Grandmother" - and yes, she is referred to that way every single time.

She is described as being very tall and broad with stony grey hair tied in a very tight bun and dressed in grey taffeta with a diamond broach pinned at the throat. So... not the nicest looking lady.

Actually the casting for the movie adaptation from '86 was pretty damn perfect, save for the hair color

Those fans of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" know what I'm talking about.

Also in locating that picture I also found quite a few gifs of The Grandmother smacking the bejeezus out of several different characters, so we have that to look forward to.

The Grandmother leads them upstairs to a large but cluttered and very dark bedroom where the kids get ready for bed and Corrine tries to convince her mother that her children are perfect and wonderful and it's a good thing she can't hear any of Cathy's internal monologue because her argument would be out the window.

Cathy tried to put the sleeping twins in one bed like they had been at their old house, but Grandma Guillotine has a problem with that, claiming that the two older children can't share a bed.  Corrine comes to their defense, claiming they're innocent and that's where we get the clunkiest phrase in the book that we get to hear over and over.

" 'Innocent?' she snapped back with a look so sharp it could draw blood, 'That is exactly what your father and I always presumed about you and your half-uncle.' "


Seriously, there's just something about the phrase "half-uncle" and their constant use of it over and over that... really just doesn't work. It's clunky and really doesn't pack as much of a punch as I think it's supposed to.

Corrine then pleads that if The Grandmother as such a problem with it, then she should give them separate rooms - because lord knows their giant mansion has enough of them, right? But The Grandmother claims that's impossible because this is the only room in the entire house that has it's own adjoining bath, and on that, I'm calling bullshit.

I skipped over a lot of the description in the beginning, but we hear again and again how huge and expansive and maze-like this house is and you're telling me that only one room in the entire thing has a bathroom attached to it?

Anyway, that bit of unbelievable nonsense aside, Corrine then says that her mother should just give the kids the whole wing since it can be locked at the end of the hall and no one uses this part of the floor anyway. Again, sounds reasonable.

Oh wait - before that is when The Grandmother tells them that they're going to be shut in one room for God-knows how long and they can't make any noise and have to keep the twins quiet because their Grandfather can't know that they exist.

Like y'do.

After that horrifying bit of news is dropped on them like an anvil, Corrine tries to reassure them it'll only be one night and then starts pleading for them to have the whole North Wing - which, again, sounds like an argument that should have been had before now.

" 'Corrine, I make the decisions here - not you! Do you think I can just close and lock the door to this wing and the servants wont wonder why?' "

Yes. Because it's your house.

Corrine argues again and The Grandmother starts gnashing her teeth at her... because I guess people really do this - and says to give her time and maybe she can think of a reason to close down the wing.
The kids are obviously worried, but Corrine tries to, once again, reassure them that it'll only before a short time - a week at the most - until she can win back her father's love. This is the exact opposite of what The Grandmother has been saying right in front of them, but hey, kids don't listen to grandma, apparently.
She asks them to be brave and reminds Cathy that her father loved her very much, and so does she, then drifts over to Christopher to whisper something in his ear that'll probably fuel his Oedipus complex even more.

They all say goodnight and get into bed, and that's where the second chapter leaves us.

I'll probably go chapter by chapter with each recap unless absolutely nothing happens in one of them or they're really short. Most of what we've gotten so far has been a lot of exposition with very little action or real events actually happening.

Until next time...

Flowers In The Attic - Pt. 1 "Exaggeration is the very best medicine"

 Alright, so I know everyone and their (hopefully not evil, overly religious) grandmother has poked fun at this book, but I really have to give it a try myself.

I should start off by saying that I actually do not hate this book by any means - it has a million problems and is wonderfully riffable, but I can also see why it was so popular, and there are a few moments that really do hold up.

...the rest of the series is not so lucky

But we'll get to that later.

To give a bit of background before we begin, Flowers in the Attic was the first novel in the Dollanganger (spell check is gonna hate me before this is done) novels by V.C. Andrews who, as anyone who frequents bookstores as much as I do is aware, still publishes books to this day, despite actually dying of breast cancer sometime in the mid 80's.
That said, this first novel of hers has become something of a cult classic and a pretty good example of modern gothic literature

So there's that.

So the book opens with a prologue (and a dedication to Andrews' mother - you'll find out how ironic that is as we go on) where Cathy, our narrator explains why she's decided to call her book "Flowers in the Attic" as opposed to something more hopeful, and that years have passed since the events of her work of "fiction" and that the book will serve as "the knife she hopes to wield" against... someone

Without anymore warning we're dropped into chapter one titled "Goodbye Daddy"

Gee - I wonder what's going to happen.

Cathy describes her childhood, growing up in a well-off middle class family in the 50's - so already we know we're in for a wild ride.

She continues on about how successful her father is, and how his boss has dinner with them and often brags about how wonderful her father is at his job:

 " 'It's that all-American, wholesome, devastatingly good-looking face and charming manner that does them in.' " 

To those familiar with Andrews' work, we know that in this context, these are words that usually mean "incest."

She goes on for another quarter of a page talking about how perfect her father is, how his hair is flaxen blonde and waves just enough to be perfect, he has a perfectly angled nose, he's six feet tall - I'll spare you the rest, you can get the picture easily enough on your own.

Come on, Barbie - let's go party

Because he was always "dashing off" (yup - those exact words) on planes throughout the week, he would be gone much of the time but always come home Friday evenings, walking in and yelling
"Come greet me with kisses if you love me!"  and Cathy and her older brother would run out and he'd spoil the hell out of them with presents from his pockets before doling out the big stuff later.

Once he was done greeting the kids, their mother (pardon me "Momma"), Corrine, would come into the room and they'd stare longingly at each other as though they hadn't seen each other in years.

"On Fridays our mother spent half the day in the beauty parlor having her hair shampooed and set and her fingernails polished, and then she'd come home to take a long bath in perfume-oiled water. I'd perch in her dressing room, and watch her emerge in a filmy negligee..."

Totally something to wear around your kids...


So she spends all day making herself look beautiful for when their dad gets home, then the two of them lock themselves in the bedroom for a while. Like you do. Not like you guys have kids to take care of or anything that you were ignoring because you were in your room preening all day.

After that rather long ramble about her father's business schedule and her mother's beauty routine, Cathy recounts an afternoon when she and her brother Christopher came home and found their mother knitting by the fire.

Literally every movie or TV show has used this cliche and still Cathy is freaking oblivious.

"...knitting a little white sweater fit for a doll to wear. I thought it was a Christmas gift for me, for one of my dolls."

I realize Cathy is supposed to be, like, six or seven here, but still, I find it hard to believe that these kids are this naive.

Their mother just sits there staring at them in kind of a weird way, and Chris just stares back while Cathy rambles on about the weather and how she'd never want to live where it doesn't snow in some of the most obvious foreshadowing you've ever read in your life.

After a bit more weird staring, "Momma" tells them that she visited her doctor that day and, like any concerned child, Chris acts if she's sick. The following exchange makes me uncomfortable for some reason...

" 'Christopher Dollanganger, you know better than that. I've seen you looking at me with suspicious thoughts in your head.' "

She then grabs both of their hands and places them on her "bulging middle" - and once again, I have to point out that these kids are so sheltered they have no idea their mother is pregnant even if she's starting to noticeably show like that?

50's man...

So predictably to anyone but our narrator, she tells them she's going to have twins in early May and that not even their father knows this yet.

Hold up.

Just hold on a second.

This scene takes place in the winter - Cathy doesn't say when but there's snow on the ground and ice all over the trees so my best guess is probably December or January. Corrine is due in May.
Are you actually telling me that this woman is three to four months pregnant and not only has she not mentioned it to her husband - but hasn't even seen a doctor until now?

-Deep Breath-


So being the awful little brat she is, Cathy feels threatened about more kids coming into their house and stealing her father's attention away from her and goes to cry in her room until her father comes home. She had the door locked until then, but unlocks it just in case he wants to come in and talk to her.

Can't tell who the favorite is at all, huh?

Obviously her father comes to see her, concerned that she didn't come to welcome him home as usual and Cathy acts like an awful little brat until her father promises to love her more than any other daughter he might have and gives her a garnet ring and frankly, the whole thing is a bit Freudian for my liking...

So the twins are born and of course she loves them and says they're more fun than dolls and pretends to be their mother and always takes care of them and all the stuff big sisters are supposed to do.

Now our stage is set - we know our family, we have our main cast - so let's watch it fall apart.


When Cathy is twelve, her brother Chris is fourteen and the living embodiments of all I hate in the world are four, there comes a "very special Friday" and the kids and their mother are getting ready for their father's birthday, readying a surprise party for when he comes home that afternoon from another of his business trips.

After about a page and a half of getting ready and guests and making sure everything is Perfect, they wait for their father to get home.
And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And we are forced to read about the waiting.

Finally a car pulls into the driveway, but it isn't their father's. It is, of course, a police car, and the officers at the door have the unfortunate task of telling Corrine that her husband was in an automobile accident. It doesn't go well.

" 'According to accounts... there was a blue ford weaving in and out of the left-hand lane, apparently drunk, and he crashed head-on into your husband's car. But it seems your husband must have seen the accident coming, for he swerved to avoid a head-on collision, but a piece of machinery had fallen from another car, or truck, and this kept him from completing his correct defensive driving maneuver, which would have saved his life. But as it was, your husband's much heavier car turned over, several times, and still he might have survived, but an oncoming truck, unable to stop, crashed into his car, and again the Cadillac spun over . . . and then . . . it caught on fire.' "

Jesus Christ - did Lemoney Snicket write this?

Also I'd like to point out, that I did not add the ellipses in the last sentence, nor did I add or take out and commas. It's actually written like that.

Seriously though, talk about over-kill.

And as if that didn't really get the point across enough, poor Corrine actually asks:

" 'He isn't . . . he isn't . . . dead . . . ?' "

Lady. Lady. I feel for you - I really do - but are you serious?

The cop explains that her husband was killed instantly after the crash (though part of me has to wonder, which one?)  Also Cathy keeps describing the cop as "red-faced" which just leads me to believe that this police officer is here delivering heart-breaking news to an innocent family, while drunk off his ass.

Actually that would probably make that account of the accident make a lot more sense.

So Corrine goes into some kind of grief swoon and Cathy starts yelling at the cops to go away before (again) running away outside to cry. Because that's how this girl has learned to deal with her problems.

I know I'm being pretty harsh - Cathy is only twelve and she did just lose her father in probably the most horrifyingly funny way I've ever read, but it's hard to feel any kind of sympathy when her own internal monologue sounds like this:

" Not Daddy! Not my daddy! He couldn't be dead . . . he couldn't be! Death was for old people, sick people . . . not for someone as loved and needed and young" 

Hours later, her mother comes outside to find her and take her in - because apparently she hadn't realized she was out there all night - and that began a "nightmare that shadowed their days"

Neighbors came in droves to bring over food and offer pretty awful condolences, saying it was such a shame that someone so wonderful died when there were so many useless people running around being a strain on society.

I'm paraphrasing, but not by much.

What the fuck people?

So Cathy and her brother deal with the neighbors and take care of their demon-twin siblings while Corrine mopes around the house in her underwear and writes letters all day.

Finally a response to one of the many letters sent out comes and Corrine pulls her children into the parlor (once again, in a "filmy, black negligee") and explains that they're in a mess of debt and nothing in the house is fully paid for, and that "they" are going to come and repossess everything and I'm just gonna leave this here

Corrine continues to explain that because she has absolutely zero practical skills and no work experience, she had to write home to her parents, who are obscenely rich, and have finally agreed to let their disinherited daughter and her four children come to live with them.

Apparently when she was eighteen, Corrine did "something" to anger her father and now she has to try to win back his love so she can inherit his amazing fortune. Her mother has money too, but wont give her any - so to hell with her, I guess?

She pleads with her children to try and make this work and trust her and soon they'll be living like royalty. While she does this, she grabs her kids' hands and presses them against her breasts -

Take a shot if most of Corrine's interactions with her children make you uncomfortable.

- and tells them that it's not love that makes the world go 'round - it's money.

That's some wholesome family lessons worthy of the Disney channel right there.

" 'Your grandfather cannot possibly live longer than two or three months at most. That will give me plenty of time to charm him into loving me like he used to - and when he dies his entire fortune will be mine! Mine!' "

Muwahahahahaha!

She tells them to go upstairs and pack immediately because they're leaving on a train that night (meanwhile her kids haven't eaten dinner and she's still walking around in her underwear) and can only pack what will fit in one suitcase for them and one for the twins - because she needs two for herself, obviously.

Cathy looks regretfully around her room, mourning over what she can't take with her and wondering what will happen to her things when "they" come for them.
Luckily, her mom is there to cheer her up:

" 'Don't just stand there and cry -  A room is just a room - you'll live in many rooms before you die so hurry up...' "

Mother of the year, this one. Really.

Cathy reflects that she did believe she would live in many rooms before she died, and that is the end of chapter one..... I feel like that was both the most informing and most pointless intro of a book I've ever read.

To be continued, when the real "horror" begins...

-cut out on dramatic music swelling-

So then...

So I've tried the blogging thing a million times and nothing's really caught on - mostly because very little actually motivates me to do this. I've got a tumblr and before that I had a deviantArt and that was about as close to blogging as I got. Mostly I like or reblog things.

Still, I enjoy my own ramblings enough to give this a try again, and if anyone actually reads it - welp - that's all on you.